Wednesday, 27 January 2010

How Do You Find Me?

Hello! I’ve been away for a while, but now I’m back. My first post in ages is related to something you may not be aware of: I can see you! Well, not literally, but I have a facility on my blog which tells me how many of you are reading (a heart gladdening amount, I’m always pleased to find.)

I also know the words you key into google, and how surprised you must be to find a site about rented property. And so, here are a few key phrases along with my accompanying thoughts.

I’m a student in halls and I can smell gas.
I could often smell gas when I lived in halls. An accumulated build-up of methane could actually be quite dangerous, so please alert the appropriate authorities.

Does my landlord have a legal right to open my underwear draw.
No he doesn’t. Run away!

Leaving UK because of letting agencies.
Whilst I agree that Letting Agents are actually evil, I still think that’s a little bit extreme. Couldn’t we just get together and enact legislation that will curb their evil excesses. Or we could relocate and live somewhere sunny with a beach. Tricky…

Letting Agents are scum
Obviously. NB see above.

Architects think everyone wants to live in small homes.
No – that’s the developers.

Ah dunn seen ma naybor sunbatin nood.
You seem shocked, but it depends: if this was through a hole in your fence and you were using a telescope – shame on you! Otherwise – enjoy… (NB this gentlemen was in Alabama…)

Living in the UK sucks massively.
Hmm…sometimes, it’s true. But the NHS, the warm friendly people, the culture, the food… Oh come on, is it really worse than Belgium, where you are from?

Readers we now enter a whole new world of ‘gentlemen’s special interest,’ where men (oh come on, they are obviously blokes…) google a phrase, and consequently land on me, in a manner of speaking And here are the phrases:
Girls in rubber gloves, naked ladies in rubber gloves, and (this is special…) ‘Classy naked girls pissing and wanking in rubber gloves..’ (I especially love that ‘classy.’) Best thing about this? Several found me using those words and have since become loyal readers. So imagine then…getting ready for a night of strenuous and devoted self-love, until: “…mmmm…hang on a minute… You know what: the private rental sector in the UK is an absolute scandal!’ Thanks for reading lads - join our struggle (and find a real girlfriend.)

Glasgow mistress custard pies.
I am reliably informed that the ladies concerned earn extra points (…or money) for every ‘bullseye.’

As for my newest loyal reader, the charming ‘human’ who found me by googling ‘Top ten ways to beat up my gay flatmate?’ Know this: I can’t force you repent, or even stop you reading. However I can’t help but feel you are polluting my blog just by looking at it. Go away – you do not belong here!

NB: Thanks for those of you who nominated me for this:

http://www.primelocationblog.com/uk/primelocation-com-blog-awards-and-the-nominees-are

The blog with the most votes wins Habitat vouchers and I need a new duvet. Only saying…

15 comments:

Ralph said...

Letting agencies evil? I don’t have much sympathy with people who complain about the money made by firms working in a competitive market, which letting agencies DO.

There is a simple solution for those who do not like estate agents, letting agents or any other agent: DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM ! Selling a house, letting a house, or finding a place to rent WITHOUT employing an agent is not difficult. Plus you save money.

And, if “agents” are making an easy living, why not become one?

RenterGirl said...

Oh do be serious Ralph - where would be then? Living on planet wanker, that's where, surrounded by wankers. Don't try and use a freemarket argument. Tenants have no choice: agents say - pay the fee or lose the flat; which if you have been given notice, or have given notice, makes you homeless. Agents make up fees as they go along, and even their own professional body agrees that regulation is necessary due to the large amount of crooks, extortionists and wideboys. We need less of that - not more.

Anonymous said...

Wd very much appreciate your thoughts on today's announcements re prvate rented sector by John Healey.

RenterGirl said...

Anon: at first glance, not a lot. Only skimmed it, but no mention of sanctions for not being on the landlord register, or much to rein in the noxious letting agents. (Perhaps it's in the full version?) Post to follow, I expect - especially if it's as callow and cursory as it appears to be.

Anonymous said...

Belgium is very nice I’ll have you know, it ahs Gallic flair and German plumbing. The food is the best in Europe, I strongly recommend Belga Queen in Brussels or Ghent. They also have nice civilised laws about security of tenure and rent controls. For those who are truly fed up with letting agents and want to leave the country, please do. There are far too many of us here as it is but please don’t go to Belgium, as I say it really is very nice and you would only spoil it for the rest of us.

RenterGirl said...

I am NOT knocking Belgium! I've been there, it's lovely you;re right. Except...seriously - it's not that much better than the UK. Apart from the tenancy laws. And the chocolate. And the beer.

Shoe said...

Congratulations on winning by the way!!

This post made me laugh so much but actually its true. Even more than having to explain to my letting agent this morning that the complaint made about me "moving furniture" (?? yeah) at 1am on Sunday morning is actually the normal noise that we all have to endure 24x7, including the girl upstairs faking orgasms at 4am (God her tosser of a boyfriend is crap - 25 seconds max from the sounds of the squeaky banjaxed bedslats, honestly) and bursting into tears every time he thumps her. I actually laughed at her.

Really strange how rubber gloves bring up your site. A cleaning fetish maybe? I've friend's who've built personal dungeons and the latest in thing to have is a system for colonic irrigation. I will say no more.

RenterGirl said...

Well, thanks to everyone who voted for me!

http://www.primelocation.com/news/2009-primelocation-blog-awards/

And yes - what is it with rubber gloves? Is this some kind of hygeine thing? Still, it is I suppose, mostly harmless...Neighbour noise always involves too much information.

Johanna said...

Hello! I was trying to remember how I found you actually, but I think it was a link on facebook or twitter to a post about annoying housemates.
I stayed because I agree quite strongly with a lot of your points about standard of living in the UK, the way everyone lives in shared victorian terraces until they get married, when they get a victorian terrace to themselves - with few acceptable alternatives.
And because I was off work sick for a day and bored, and decided to read your entire archives.
Glad you're back.

RenterGirl said...

Thanks Johanna! Blimey if you read every post, you must have been really ill indeed...
Thanks for reading!

RenterGirl said...

Here's another great google key phrase used to find this blog: "Shemales cleaning in rubber gloves." Now that is an area of special interest... even perhaps unique?

Wendi said...

renter girl you are a legend - i read your article in the guardian on 13th March today as my mum has a very real, human story to tell about having herself another arsehole ripped for the last 2 and a half years so her letting agent could charge that some made up fees as well. Having finally escaped their clutches and securing private rented accommodation around the time your article was published (thanks for your comments RALPH) she is STILL now fighting to get her deposit back from them only to be told it will be subjection to the deduction of guess what?????....more effing charges and made up fees!!!! So now our current landlady, who is like gold dust (Thanks again for your comments Ralph), is not enjoying the same privilege that the letting agent had of receiving the deposit BEFORE we moved in and the rent on time every month WITHOUT FAIL - OH AND CHARGE. Somebody needs to put a stop to this playground for them where they are simply playground bullies. please please please be interested in even just a phone call with my mum to see if it would be worth ruffling their feathers and getting their name in the Guardian... name and shame shouldn't THAT be the game?

RenterGirl said...

Name and shame would be great except they are ALL called 'Wanker' and there isn't space. The Guardian would have to print nothing but that one word, over and over.

I hope your mum is settled safe and happy!

Michelle said...

I love reading the search stuff on my blog. There's one that still haunts me. It was "how to remove Green Mamba in garage"

I'm originally from Africa so the mamba theme had popped up once on my blog. I still have nightmares about that poor lost soul Googling in terror. Mambas are dangerous snakes, and I say that as someone who likes snakes and prefers to bag and release, not kill.

There have been weirder ones. With a blog called "Crow's Feet" I have my regular stream of foot fetish searchers.

I can't remember how I found you. It was at least a year ago, maybe longer. I do know it had NOTHING to do with rubber gloves. ;-D

RenterGirl said...

Another blogger discovered that someone had found his blog by googling 'Firing squ...' as if the poor soul had been googling 'Firing squads and how to survive them' when they came for him at dawn.