Furnishing My Dovecot

I moved into my flat because it’s unfurnished. This might not seem important, but the absence of that omnipresent grubby chintz or those businesslike, wipe-clean, leather sofas is even now a source of some considerable happiness.

I don’t own much furniture. Thanks to less than diligent removal firms, my worldly goods diminish with every move. My previous relocation relieved me of my bed frame (well, as I belatedly discovered, all fittings and screws, which extensive research proved to be irreplaceable, rendering the frame useless) and ruined my beloved posture chair. The removal man said: ‘Don’t worry it’s fine…’
(Except it wasn’t.)

But I can’t go on like this. I wonder if there’s a specialist firm making fold-up, easy-store shelves, which (here’s the tricky part) don’t require being attached to the walls for stability. Holes in walls lead to deductions from my deposit, after a long sentence in America’s toughest prison. Next, my head is shaved, and I will be paraded around bearing a placard proclaiming: ‘Evil Vandal Who Dared To Own Possessions Above Her Station And Then (And Then!) Left Holes In The Plaster!’
After which they will shoot me.

Unfurnished private rented flats are rare, so much so that when I asked the letting agent if such a thing existed, he looked at me funny and backed away, as if I’d asked for a log cabin under the canal, with space outside for a few chickens. Then he consulted my landlord, who realised that letting the flat unfurnished was cheaper, less hassle and avoided wear and tear on his goods.

Furniture in most new builds is awful: mean spirited, second rate and Spartan. My neighbours were provided with blinds reaching partway down the window, which their landlord refuses to replace. Other flats are kitted out like rooms in a Travelodge; I bet the owners even provide tea making facilities, with those cute little kettles.

I avoid collecting too much stuff, because I move so often, but it’s pretty Zen around here, and now I need a coffee table, a desk, light shades, and a bigger settee. Most of all, I am desperate for shelves. I need smart techno floating shelves which hover next to the wall, and do not leave dents or holes.

I am currently battling with my landlord for blinds. It was agreed before I moved in that he’d provide blinds and a shower screen, being as I won’t be able to take them with me when I go. He’s ignoring my requests, so this issue could be the one that will force me over the edge. I’ve offered to organise the process and installation with his approval after providing estimates, but still he’s ignores me. I can’t stay here without blinds, and can’t install my temporary solution, as this would leave…holes in the walls! My only bargaining chip is that he wants to avoid the hassle and expense of finding another tenant.

I am currently overlooked by boorish, nosy builders from the site opposite. I suspect one of them is filming ‘Rentergirl The Documentary.’ Look out for me on You Tube.