Wednesday, 27 January 2010

How Do You Find Me?

Hello! I’ve been away for a while, but now I’m back. My first post in ages is related to something you may not be aware of: I can see you! Well, not literally, but I have a facility on my blog which tells me how many of you are reading (a heart gladdening amount, I’m always pleased to find.)

I also know the words you key into google, and how surprised you must be to find a site about rented property. And so, here are a few key phrases along with my accompanying thoughts.

I’m a student in halls and I can smell gas.
I could often smell gas when I lived in halls. An accumulated build-up of methane could actually be quite dangerous, so please alert the appropriate authorities.

Does my landlord have a legal right to open my underwear draw.
No he doesn’t. Run away!

Leaving UK because of letting agencies.
Whilst I agree that Letting Agents are actually evil, I still think that’s a little bit extreme. Couldn’t we just get together and enact legislation that will curb their evil excesses. Or we could relocate and live somewhere sunny with a beach. Tricky…

Letting Agents are scum
Obviously. NB see above.

Architects think everyone wants to live in small homes.
No – that’s the developers.

Ah dunn seen ma naybor sunbatin nood.
You seem shocked, but it depends: if this was through a hole in your fence and you were using a telescope – shame on you! Otherwise – enjoy… (NB this gentlemen was in Alabama…)

Living in the UK sucks massively.
Hmm…sometimes, it’s true. But the NHS, the warm friendly people, the culture, the food… Oh come on, is it really worse than Belgium, where you are from?

Readers we now enter a whole new world of ‘gentlemen’s special interest,’ where men (oh come on, they are obviously blokes…) google a phrase, and consequently land on me, in a manner of speaking And here are the phrases:
Girls in rubber gloves, naked ladies in rubber gloves, and (this is special…) ‘Classy naked girls pissing and wanking in rubber gloves..’ (I especially love that ‘classy.’) Best thing about this? Several found me using those words and have since become loyal readers. So imagine then…getting ready for a night of strenuous and devoted self-love, until: “…mmmm…hang on a minute… You know what: the private rental sector in the UK is an absolute scandal!’ Thanks for reading lads - join our struggle (and find a real girlfriend.)

Glasgow mistress custard pies.
I am reliably informed that the ladies concerned earn extra points (…or money) for every ‘bullseye.’

As for my newest loyal reader, the charming ‘human’ who found me by googling ‘Top ten ways to beat up my gay flatmate?’ Know this: I can’t force you repent, or even stop you reading. However I can’t help but feel you are polluting my blog just by looking at it. Go away – you do not belong here!

NB: Thanks for those of you who nominated me for this:

The blog with the most votes wins Habitat vouchers and I need a new duvet. Only saying…